Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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