I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
