My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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