woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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