I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
