My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
