I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
is that a dick in a sweater?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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