In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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