This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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