weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
