I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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