You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
