Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
