can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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