is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
