im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
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