Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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