my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Well I just put wine in my tea
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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