At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
