"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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