Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
