he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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