Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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