i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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