11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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