you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
