it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
