Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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