the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
