hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
