Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
