Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you will always have a special place in my vag
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize