Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize