Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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