Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
