You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
