The maid of honor just puked.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
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