if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
why do cheetos always look like penises
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
