you would pick up someone in the library
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
