my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
