I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
