don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
