You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Everything about him screamed your future.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
