He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
