things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
