all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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