Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
