i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
