just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
