I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize
