I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
