I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
