uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
