I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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