I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
