so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
