Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize