....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I supernannyed him into submission
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
