at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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