So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize