I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
