we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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