Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
