You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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